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October 19, 2017
Image result for Jethro dressed up Beverly Hillbillies

Photo from yahoo.


Hey Y’all,


A few years ago, I had a friend get married. I know that is a shocking statement (I actually have a friend) but it is true. Well, some of it is true…well the real truth is that my wife had a friend who was getting married and since she didn’t want to go alone, I got to go with her. No matter what the truth is, my wife told me to get dressed up and take her out.


Image result for redneck groom dressed up for wedding funny

Me and my wife’s friend at the last wedding. photo from yahoo


I went into my closet…well to be honest it is my corner of her closet and dug out my interview suit. It is a sharp outfit, Dark blue, with little silver pin stripes. White shirt, yellow tie that makes it pop with expensive, real leather black shoes and a matching belt. I have worn it four times since I bought it. Once in the store because the salesman wanted to make sure it was tailored right in 2000. And three times when I interviewed for my current job in 2004.



This is not my suit pants leg. This is the last pair of dress pants I bought just before my 2007 class reunion. They were the most expensive pants in Marshall’s. I think they set me back fifteen dollars. I remember because I didn’t like them then and I still don’t like them. I put them on for something over the weekend and my foot got caught on the leg and I ripped the him out of the left leg. photo from rob akers


In 2014, I tried to put it on for something but learned that it was a little snug. It was so snug that I couldn’t really get the pants to button. The pretty white shirt was wrinkled and had a brown ring around the collar but the most disturbing thing was those expensive black shoes were too small. I was ticked because I spent almost two hundred dollars on a suit and shoes and a shirt and a tie and now nothing fit. Even that yellow tie had a red Tabasco stain on it. I forgot about eating lunch in my interview and I got a little over zealous with the hot sauce.




So, I did what I always do and I improvised. I put on my khakis with pockets on the front, some tennis shoes and a nice tee shirt. My wife was less than pleased but it was too late for her to find another date. Walking out the door, she told me that I needed some better clothes.



It doesn’t look so bad in the picture. photo from rob akers

Being a man of action, I asked my wife to buy me some Garanimal clothes. She said it was my job to make sure I looked good, not hers. Fast forward three more years, my parents were in town visiting and I thought it would be a great idea to go buy me some new dress clothes. I loaded up the Clampetts into the truck and off to the mall we went. My Dad has been wearing clothes for a long time so I figured that he would be a expert by now.


The first store we went into, he went straight to the back corner and found a pair of pants. I have been to Wal-Mart several times and I can pick a pair of pants off the rack and try them on and buy them for less than twenty dollars. But I am not going to spend one hundred twenty-five dollars for the exact same experience. Let’s be honest here, for a hundred and twenty-five dollars, I want some dude that I have never met before to touch me where most men shouldn’t be touching.


Image result for fat man being measured for pants

I’m telling you. I have a size 17 neck. photo from yahoo


We left and went to have lunch. I wanted to take the parents to the food court so they could have some of the best teriyaki chicken in the mall. But my wife said I needed to do better so we ended up at a restaurant where they roll the fork up in a cloth napkin. I made them split a meal and made my wife eat my house salad. The damage wasn’t too bad, twenty four dollars including a two dollar and twenty-five cent tip. I was feeling generous.


Image result for Big Restaurant Tippers

That is so rude. At least give a quarter. photo from yahoo


We went into another store and I got what I was looking for. Two dudes who were willing to feel me up and take all the money out of my wallet. Being honest, they did a lot of both. I told them I was on a time crunch and I needed this outfit ready immediately and they told me it would be ready in ten days. My wife said it would be okay because it has been three years since the last wedding and there is nothing on the schedule. If you are getting married in the next week, I will be there but don’t look for me in my fancy pants.


Until next time, keep on rockin!


I took a picture so that I could remember the order it was to go in. I might get a sharpie and number them so I can remember the first time I wear it or in fifteen years which ever comes first. photo from rob akers



From → love, Uncategorized

  1. Linda permalink

    Now you are going to look really sharp for your book signing!

    • Donetta said the same thing yesterday afternoon. I was thinking about another function we have scheduled in a couple of weeks but it will be another chance to wear it. As you know, the more times you wear it, the less it costs per wear.


  2. Donetta Akers permalink

    Had you got some good clothes…. should have bought the more expensive shoes

    • Right now I don’t have any shoes. Of course we live in West Virginia so I am like everyone else. Ha ha.

  3. LOL. Nice outfit πŸ™‚

    • Amy,

      Welcome to the party. Always fashionably late, as usual. Ha ha.

      It is a nice outfit but nothing beats Wednesday sweats day at C-ville HS. With old school Jordans and a tee shirt. I was a slob back then and nothing has changed except the clothes are bigger.

  4. Great story and a decent looking outfit. You need to take my brother shopping on the next trip. He’s never figured this out and is in his 60s. πŸ˜‰

    • Sandy,

      Always nice to hear from you. I will send your brother over to my Dad. He isn’t afraid to spend other people’s money.

  5. Rob, you have an excellent ensemble and will make your wife proud! And I love the story. Could be representative of my other half. I had a great laugh. πŸ™‚

    • Karlene,

      Glad you enjoyed it. I am nearing the reality that I might have to actually wear it one day. Not sure I am excited about that. Ha ha

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