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Ran into the Ex…

December 29, 2015
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This is not my Ex. I saw the Star Wars movie last week. It was okay and it ranks solidly in my top seven Star Wars movies of all time. But not in my top three, maybe number four. this photo is from yahoo and makes me laugh.

 

 

 

Hey Y’all,

 

I hope everyone survived the Christmas season and with the week pointed directly at New Year’s Day I wanted to get a head start on the resolution process. Every year it seems like we are guilted into making a resolution that we have no desire to complete and very predictably we fail to uphold that resolution. My resolution for is that this is the last article that I am going to write this year. You can expect no new content until 2016. I hope this little story time will be able to hold you over. Until then, I wish everyone a Happy Holiday and I can’t wait to see you all on the other side.

 

I would like to share a quick story from life and make a real life application that you can either put into your life or you can share with your kids in hope of a better tomorrow. Some of this really happened, some of it is slightly exaggerated and some of it is a total fabrication. Up to you to decide what is what.

 

YUM! wear 309

I am not this Rob. photo from yahoo.

 

 

Yesterday my family went out to a local restaurant for lunch following Church. For many reasons, we were out of our normal routine so we were in a different restaurant at a different time. We were all out of sorts but all was well. The restaurant was busy so I dropped my wife off at the front door and waited with the kids while she checked the waiting time. She texted for me to park and come inside. That entire process took five minutes. When we walked into the lobby, my wife had a slightly different look on her face but being a typical man, I didn’t think anything about it.

 

Fried-Chicken-Leg

I am not this Rob either. photo from yahoo.

 

 

My son was fascinated by a metal statue of a skeleton that stood in the lobby. I know that sounds weird and it takes more time to explain that you want to read so you will have to trust me when I say that it was okay. He and I were looking at the statue when my wife started to tell me that she ran into one of her former boyfriends while we were parking. I looked around for the guy when another family from the community that we know comes in and interrupted her story.  

 

kfc1

Not this Rob. Photo from yahoo.

 

My wife has put in too much work to shape me into a slightly tolerable husband to just up and leave me for some yahoo that she knew fifteen years ago so there was no drama because she ran into one of her ex’s. I really don’t care about any of her past boyfriends, so other than wanting to check out the competition and see who he chose to replace my wife, I am really not worried about him. I guess it is one of my many flaws. While we were talking with the family that we know, my wife saw me looking around and not listening to the conversation. She knew what I was doing and she simply said that they had already sat down. That was a gentle reminder for me to pay attention to what our friends were saying.

 

 I’m not either of these Rob’s. photo from yahoo.

Finally, we sat down and I took my time scoping out the competition. I see one guy and his family on the other side of the restaurant. Tall, good looking, well dressed with a nice looking family. I mark him down as a potential target. A different guy in a different section of the restaurant looked like a doctor type. He was slightly balding and about ten pounds heavy but sporting the Rolex and the spoiled rotten, soccer mom. I marked him as target number two. The third guy was much heavier but obviously an athlete under the girth. Big mountain type of a guy, flowing gray locks of hair and an easy smile. Target number three in sight. My mind started to wonder about the three men that I only know one thing for sure. His name is Rob.

 

My wife and I never really shared much about our past relationships with each other because it really doesn’t matter. We might not be perfect but we are perfect for each other and that is what is important. The one thing I did manage to get out of her; actually I got this from her former co-workers just after we got married was that every guy she dated was named Rob. There were so many Robs that her friends developed a system to keep them all straight. There was Rob, “original recipe.” Then came Rob “extra crispy,” Rob “chicken fingers”, Rob “broiled chicken sandwich,” Rob “southern style chicken sandwich,” and Rob “chicken nugget.” I think I was Rob “chicken liver.”

 

kfc6

This is me. Mr. Chicken Liver. For some reason I think her friends didn’t like me. photo from yahoo.

 

Again, she knew what I was thinking and she proactively told me that I was looking for “extra crispy.” She said that he was sitting on the opposite side of the restaurant and pointed out the table. Targets two and three were eliminated but number one target was in sight. Across the restaurant, I focused with laser like intent studying every visible detail. Not jealous, but curious. Kind of like an archeologist who discovers a new site to be unearthed. Looking backwards, into my wife’s life I started to paint a mental image of who this guy was and who he is now.

 

She knows what I am doing and she tells me to walk to the restroom so I can get a better look at him. I told her I could see him fine. I was trying to get a better look at his wife to see who he got to replace her. Curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask who dumped who. She said that she was the dumper and he was the dumped. That makes his wife the rebound woman and from a distance it appeared that he didn’t panic when she told him to hit the road. I was thinking that he actually did okay from an appearance standpoint. My son wanted to know who I was looking at so I pointed out target number one. My wife turned around in her seat to see who I was looking at. When she figured it out she said that I had the wrong guy. Her ex was a table behind the one I was focused on.

 

I took a hard look and then back at my wife. “Really?”

“Yes. When I was standing there I didn’t recognize him either. He was standing right in front of me and called out to me. I didn’t remember him until he said his name.” She said.

 

When she first pointed him out, I immediately dismissed him as a guy my wife would never consider dating and moved back to target number one. This guy had the long, semi bald, comb over that failed to cover his cranium. He had more hair in his scruffy beard than his head, more hair in his nose than his face and I shudder to think what his back looked like. Rocking the 1982, coke bottle glasses accentuated the completely un-athletic, flabby build with the out of date flannel shirt and jacked up jeans. His wife was just as physically unimpressive.

 

I puffed my chest out. “No wonder you dumped him.” I got my kids attention and imparted some Rob “chicken liver” wisdom. “Kids don’t date ugly people because when they get old, they just get uglier. One day you are going to walk into a restaurant and there is you’re past staring you in the face. If you date good looking people then there is a chance they won’t embarrass you twenty years after you kicked them to the curb.”

 

My wife got mad at me. “True beauty comes from within and he has changed a lot since I last saw him. You are a pig.”

“It is hard to make “chicken liver” look sexy. But “extra crispy” makes me look good.” I replied before stuffing another barbeque rib in my mouth that dripping sauce on my fat belly.

 

kfc3

I am dang sexy! photo from yahoo.

 

 

Until next time, keep on rockin.

 

 

 

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6 Comments
  1. Karlene permalink

    Rob, loved the story. And your wife is so astute to identify and say, “you are a pig.” lol… I wonder how many women around the world have said that, or at the least thought that of their husbands? lol. Yes, beauty runs deep. The only thing that comes to mind right now is winner winner chicken dinner. Happy Holidays!

    • Ha Ha. Thanks for the comments and for all of your support over the past few years. Best wishes in 2016 to you and your family.

      rob

  2. I think it’s time for you to consider a Bowflex or Gazelle exercise machine…just saying…for your poor wife’s sake. Geez.

    This was so funny. At first I couldn’t figure out why you had pictures of chicken. 🙂

    • Thanks Casey,

      I’m glad you got the humor. I usually get all the exercise I need when I write a post like this one because my wife is so irate that she gets the baseball bat out and chases me around the house. Ha ha.

      She told me not to write about this, but it is just so rich with potential humor that I couldn’t resist. I’m just not very good at following directions like that. One of my fatal flaws.

      • Tell her to try a hockey stick. It’s waaaaay more effective. Longer reach.

        Or maybe you shouldn’t tell her…

      • I think not telling her is the wiser path. The baseball bat delivers blunt force trauma but the hockey stick is cutting/slicing weapon in addition to the length.

        Thanks for the suggestion though.

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