It is the end of the world and I am ready…
The day is finally arriving. A little backstory before I how I am going to spend my final days.
I have done extensive research into the Mayans. Without boring you with the details of my qualifications, let me just say that I have spent literally minutes thinking about the Mayans and their relevance in our lives today.
My research has discovered that the Mayan’s were really smart guys who lived somewhere. They were a modern civilization that prided itself on building mini-pyramids and other temples. Which leads me to a question: If they were so advanced, why didn’t they invent a flushing toilet? I don’t know why we consider any civilization advanced when they use the same river to drink, bathe and defecate.
Much like the current day United States, the Mayans had a strong central government. The Mayan Government paid well and had a great 401K. The head calendar maker was named Reggie. Reggie worked closely with the Mayan President, the top scientists and prophets to create the most accurate and detailed calendars in human existence. If they were so smart, I wonder why they did not think to add pictures to the calendar. Nothing says fun like a hot airplane, fast car, huge mountain, funny cat, monster truck, lazy dog, cool castle, or super model.
We have this:
Reggie made this:
Reggie was a calendar maker for almost 50 years. During his career, he oversaw the modernization of the calendar from ink and papyrus to hammer and chisel. A man dedicated to the production of the calendar, he was a failure in his personal life. His wife filed for a divorce. According to Mayan law, he had her sacrificed at the weekly worship service. Although she wasn’t technically a virgin, she qualified because Reggie had not been intimate with her in hours and he left a healthy contribution of chickens to the temple high priest.
Not long afterwards, Reggie’s daughter decided that she wanted to live an alternative lifestyle and his son came home from college with purple hair and a nose ring. Reggie never understood the younger generation and threw himself into his work. The final year of his career he made progress towards his goal of three thousand years documented. The years, stress, coffee and doughnuts combined to take Reggie at the ripe old age of 62.
The President decided to shut down the calendar program due to budget cuts and divert the savings towards social programs. The President said that the calendar was complete with its two thousand twelve year cycle. Many of the scientists and prophets protested saying they needed an additional seventeen thousand, nine hundred and eighty eight years to accurately complete the calendar. The media refused to follow the debate turning their focus on the tragedy of the hot actress Lindsey and her latest run-in with the law.
Friday is the last day that Reggie completed before his death. December 21, 2012. I for one do not believe in history that I documented, and I do believe that the world is actually going to end. The bad news is that I am going to spend it alone, in a hotel in Indianapolis. I however am not going quietly into the afterlife.
I am going to do something nice for myself; I am going to finally get a new car. I found a bargain, 2012 Ferrari 559 GTO. Listing at 430,000, I got all the extras and after title, taxes and dealer fees I walked out at 521,852 and I worked them for a full tank of gas. All I had to do was sign a piece of paper where I promised to make the payments. My first payment of $9,850.78 isn’t due until January 20,2013, They are suckers!
If the world wasn’t going to end, I would offer to get car deals for you guys too. Enjoy the last days on Earth, if you live in the Indy area and you see a red flash go past you at 220 miles an hour. Don’t worry, I am staying at a Holiday Inn Express.
See you on the other side…