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It is the end of the world and I am ready…

December 20, 2012

2012

 

Hey Y’all,

 

The day is finally arriving. A little backstory before I how I am going to spend my final days.

 

I have done extensive research into the Mayans.  Without boring you with the details of my qualifications, let me just say that I have spent literally minutes thinking about the Mayans and their relevance in our lives today.

 

My research has discovered that the Mayan’s were really smart guys who lived somewhere. They were a modern civilization that prided itself on building mini-pyramids and other temples. Which leads me to a question: If they were so advanced, why didn’t they invent a flushing toilet? I don’t know why we consider any civilization advanced when they use the same river to drink, bathe and defecate.

 

river

 

Much like the current day United States, the Mayans had a strong central government. The Mayan Government paid well and had a great 401K. The head calendar maker was named Reggie. Reggie worked closely with the Mayan President, the top scientists and prophets to create the most accurate and detailed calendars in human existence.  If they were so smart, I wonder why they did not think to add pictures to the calendar. Nothing says fun like a hot airplane, fast car, huge mountain, funny cat, monster truck, lazy dog, cool castle, or super model.

 

We have this:

 

cat

 

Reggie made this:

 

calendar

 

Reggie was a calendar maker for almost 50 years. During his career, he oversaw the modernization of the calendar from ink and papyrus to hammer and chisel.  A man dedicated to the production of the calendar, he was a failure in his personal life. His wife filed for a divorce. According to Mayan law, he had her sacrificed at the weekly worship service. Although she wasn’t technically a virgin, she qualified because Reggie had not been intimate with her in hours and he left a healthy contribution of chickens to the temple high priest.

 

sacriface

 

Not long afterwards, Reggie’s daughter decided that she wanted to live an alternative lifestyle and his son came home from college with purple hair and a nose ring. Reggie never understood the younger generation and threw himself into his work. The final year of his career he made progress towards his goal of three thousand years documented. The years, stress, coffee and doughnuts combined to take Reggie at the ripe old age of 62.

 

The President decided to shut down the calendar program due to budget cuts and divert the savings towards social programs. The President said that the calendar was complete with its two thousand twelve year cycle. Many of the scientists and prophets protested saying they needed an additional seventeen thousand, nine hundred and eighty eight years to accurately complete the calendar. The media refused to follow the debate turning their focus on the tragedy of the hot actress Lindsey and her latest run-in with the law.

 

president

 

Friday is the last day that Reggie completed before his death. December 21, 2012. I for one do not believe in history that I documented, and I do believe that the world is actually going to end. The bad news is that I am going to spend it alone, in a hotel in Indianapolis. I however am not going quietly into the afterlife.

 

I am going to do something nice for myself; I am going to finally get a new car. I found a bargain, 2012 Ferrari 559 GTO.  Listing at 430,000, I got all the extras and after title, taxes and dealer fees I walked out at 521,852 and I worked them for a full tank of gas. All I had to do was sign a piece of paper where I promised to make the payments. My first payment of $9,850.78 isn’t due until January 20,2013, They are suckers!

 

ferrari

 

If the world wasn’t going to end, I would offer to get car deals for you guys too.  Enjoy the last days on Earth, if you live in the Indy area and you see a red flash go past you at 220 miles an hour. Don’t worry, I am staying at a Holiday Inn Express.

 

See you on the other side…

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12 Comments
  1. Rob way to funny and a great damn take on the hype…Go Speed Racer!!!!!! see you at the end of time finish line….oh wait that’s “To Infinity and Beyondddddddd!” Buzz Lightyear.

    • Thank you sir. I am glad you enjoyed it. I really enjoy everything you write although I dont comment very often.

      Happy Holidays.

      • no worries my friend but just between you and me I wish (selfishly even) that folks did comment so I could get a feel on how folks think.Good, Bad or Indifferent even.

      • Allow me to be the first to fix that…

  2. Rob, I told a friend recently, I’m not leaving this earth until it’s either 1) in the company of heavenly hosts or 2) the world really is flat and someone pushes me over the edge. I have felt pushed to the edge before… hmmm….

    Funny post. Enjoy the ride, dude. 😉

    • Julie,

      I am a flat earther…so dont let me push you over the edge.

      Keep smiliing and Happy Holidays!

  3. Ever wonder how many end of the world dates we’ll have before people get tired of it—or before it actually happens? o_O

    • One day, someone is going to guess correctly. The last one I got worked up over was Y2K. I didnt want the direct tv to go out and then I couldnt watch the Bowl games…

  4. The Mayans were so busy predicting the end of the world that they missed their own doom heading right at them. Ouch, the bitter sting of irony.

    I wonder if the Mayans ever figured out the Leap Year or Daylight Savings Time.

    • I am not so sure they had enough sense to drive a wheelbarrow.

      Assuming they knew what a wheel was…

  5. Egg permalink

    I didn’t even see this post pop up. It’s very educational.

    Yeah, I’ve been to Mayan country. These folk could build stuff, but, seriously, their idea of fun was playing a sport with rocks where the winner was the first to get themselves killed. Their victory parties would have been quiet, I guess.

    A-ha. Now I understand your latest post. Now if the car was in black, I might have made you an offer.

    • Assuming they had parties, it was probably a pre-game party. I wonder how someone was inducted into the rock catching hall of fame…fastest to catch a rock with his eye?

      Sorry about the color. I had to take whatever they had in the showroom.

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